i like your lie

not going there
don't dare to hope
it's not like it's really even a chance
it hurts so bad
this being close
but i see him and want to dance
shove it down
good girl choke on it
shut it up
he likes me?
push it further down girl
i can't hear you gag yet
those words don't happen
they just don't
i'm your fuck toi
i'm your kitteh
i'm your pussy..hmm.. cat
i'm your wet dream
i'm your cumming scream
no one's ever jealous over me
i'm your duct tape
i'm your glue
you'll just walk out when you're through
don't play this game
don't lie to me
don't tell me you love me
fucken cum and get off me
no
don't take the armor off
just slip my panties to the side
not showing you this
not showing you where i hide
hold me now
i kinda like your lie

Girly as hell...

If I’m never able to utter another word in this life I want you to know something, not just hear me say it but know … that I need you, utterly, helplessly and without wish for a cure. I need your help, your calm center, your rational force, your playful sweet nature. Know that every time I hear your voice I am struck with the enormous luck I have to be in your esteem. When you send me a message out of the blue I am awed and subjugated by my overwhelming affection. My heart races, my soul flutters and I can barely believe that this is not the dream of you from which I woke. When you tell me you love me, I shatter every time, knowing I cannot deserve this gift and yet you place it in my hands anyway.  When you speak to me with love I melt, when you speak to me sternly I bend to your will, when you speak to me as your lover I am blest and when you speak to me with lust I become a flood at your feet. When you place yourself into my care I am humbled by the gift, so precious and showing me so much trust. I want to hold you like a blooming glass flower. Fearful I’ll drop it I may hold too tightly, fearful you’ll snap I may hold too loose. It’s easier to see us both as chapters, comprising a book. We each add who we are and learn who the other is and grow together. My clever fox, my prince, my little princess, my knight, my love, my lover, my sweetness, my all. 

Perfume

You go to be who you need to be
You go to bleed
arms reach out to embrace
to feel the air you left behind
warm traces of the perfume of your smile
hinting madness at screaming dawn
it isn't quite cold yet
not again quite dead
all these sweet sorrowfull visions
wrapping around my head
I'm falling apart
but right now i don't care
all i need surrounds me
i can smell it there
the traces of the perfume of your smile in my hair.

Flower dreams

How are we getting out of this? He’d looked so plaintive before that the relief washing over his face now they were free was palpable… had a taste to it even of wildflowers at dawn after a dark, thick night… “I just need to focus on my happy thoughts” she’d answered. He thought she’d been kidding, any sane person would have thought so. Realizing they were finally free and safe he looked at her smiling unbelieving at their luck. Her face was turned away down and apprehensive. “What is it?” he asked, fear stealing back over his heart so cold and fast it hurt. His hand came down along her cheek, lifting it to see the internal struggle taking place behind her eyes. “You.” She said quietly and drew a breath of resolve.  “You are…  ALL my happy thoughts”. He brought his lips down to greet hers as his arms wrapped closer around her holding her delicately but protected. Just between their hearts it started a glow… a seed which opened like a crystal flower sending wispy tendrils through the air between them.. around them… wrapping around their bodys and lifting them up.. higher into the air  and becoming all to warm… the kiss intensified and so did the heat… consuming… burning… charring… exhausting… till the flower was all that was left shrinking into itself and falling just a tear drop to the ground.

Maybe i'm too sensative...

i am wishing i could crawl into a hole
the anger
the hatred
it hurts
this is not the world i love
not the one i'd prefer to live in
the one that holds each other
supports each other
loves eachother
cares for children
in your life and those unknown
so i'm going back into my world
till this one can be brave enough to love again

Just Words

They're just words.
Falling softly on my ear.
It's just a story
drawing me near.
It's just hope
winging toward you.
It's just fear
holding me here.

They're just words.
Feeling them touch me.
It's just a story
holding me each night
It's just hope
lifting my spirits
It's just fear
making me fight.

I never know enough
I never know it All
I don't know how much further i'll fall

Are there rocks at the bottom
will i hurt? will i crawl?
will there be tears? bloodshed?
Or bliss after all?

They're only Words.
but all i've waited to hear.
The sweet i love yous
falling softly on my ear

It's only a Story,
but much more than a dream,
all of this fantasy
driving all my screams

It's just Hope
of what may yet be
It's just Fear
holding me here
afraid of who i'll be

Broken

She awoke with a start. She wasnt' breathing. Why couldn't she breathe? Scared and panicking she snorted air in through her nose. Good. It smelled awful and each intake was sore and headachy, like she'd just run a mile and couldn't take in the air fast enough through her sore and tortured lungs. She drank the air in like cool water except it was a hot hose on a summer day.  When her thirst for air was manageably sated, she moved her lips. If she moved them back and forth she could feel the sticky canvas backside of the duct tape over it. The more she wiggled the more freedom she gained, but such triumphs were small and increasingly frustrating. Her nose was broken, she was aware of that now. She could feel the splintering and swelling. The swelling that made it so hard to breath in through her nose in the first place. Her hair was wet with sweat and blood. She could feel it sticking to her forehead and tiny tugs where blood had started to dry it to her skin like a scab as she tried to move her head around. The room pitched and vomit rose at the sticky sweet smell of her own blood and the blinding white pain behind her eyes as she reached unexpectedly the limit of her motion.
Her head bobbed there for a moment and it all sunk in very quickly. The itching feeling of the rope around her wrists and the burning where she'd been trying to wiggle free in her sleep.  A quick tug told her the efforts had caused her wrists to swell, any hope she had of slipping out was dashed. The shooting pain in her left arm let her know that when they'd been wrenched behind her it had been either strained or out and out broken. She'd have to worry about that later. She was on her knees on concrete. The tiny bits of gradient bit into her kneecaps and shins. So she was knelt on her knees but standing was impossible not just for the bounds around her legs, arms and hands but as the bonds were  connected. 


... Not sure what to do with this yet the first part came to me suddenly and the rest is fading a bit... maybe because i'm sick or maybe cause i don't want to go here...

Lines: On a quote by Oswald Chambers

"Doubt is not always a sign that man is wrong;
it may be a sign that he is thinking."


Can you prove it to me as true?
Can you let it exist through you?
Let me be proof of my beliefs.
If i close my eyes i can barely see.
Black and white should not define
the colours of my life.
Life is a curious thing.
We first run from it
afraid of the darkness it brings
Then cling to it and hold it inside
Like lovers hungry for more
Entwined inside this darkness
Our emotions hide
Pulling on yet pushing out
the bittersweet world it knows.
We want to change, to make things "right"
but what we find we no longer want.
If i close my eyes i can barely see
the person that i want to be
the person that i mean to be.
Through all my corse agitation.
Through all my rough jokes.
I want to be something i long ago lost that
My friends and i used to joke with
but now that is gone.
My situation is quite normal but that does not help.
i've loved someone, i'm sure of that now.
So what if he shuns my existence,
tells me lies?
(or at least he used to,
It was better like that.)

Wow... okay this was written way back in 1994 and my goodness it's so funny for me to think of the way i used to look at my life as being so long when i was so young... 

Lines: Written upon the occasion of being bored in Modern Philosophy

And yet,
in the darkness of the soul
we stop to have tea-time and discuss
our own reality.


What exists?
What creates?
What do i know?
Why can’t I stop thinking about…?


If i created myself and my reality,
then, why did i make it suck?
Why can’t I control my life?
Why does it matter to you,
after all you’re my creation.


“Whether or not there is such a thing as a ‘triangle’
it still has three sides.”
someone argues, and no one disagrees.


All the arguments presented to us this day
are only disproved by insanity but none of them know,
that a sane person in an insane world is just as mad.


...Okay that one is quite a bit old written way back in college i'm thinking fall of 1998 but still one of my favorite thoughts at the end.

Duct tape

There is a need inside for me
to control me
i must stay just like this
i must be this image
in this way
i kill myself
slowly
a little each day
i am a prisoner to what i expect me to be
though my hands wring in my bonds
till i bleed
i can't seem to let me free
i hear myself begging
to say things i shouldn't say
and so slowly i replace the duct tape
and muffle my own screams
though a knife a needle never break my skin
i can feel them enter in
manipulate that smile
spread those legs whore
don't you know this is what you're made for?
i abuse myself 
i lay myself open to attack and abuse
because...
right now i'm just me
the me you don't really get to see
the me i don't share
the me that i hide
that scared girl cowering in the corner
the teen learning to fight to survive
all those people i've had to be
laying scared inside me
knowing nothing but the abuse and the fight
and if i am the evil i can control 
live with the things i cannot say
live with the things i cannot fight
live with the me you expect me to be and can't

...Written recently and part of a trend in my writing that is going a bit outside my comfort area lately. I used to allude and hint and now they are just blunt, much more so the way i talk to a close friend and in the vein of some of the poetry i've been afraid to share that was written when i was younger. Maybe now... maybe here... is the place to do this.

Typical Poetry

I cannot dream; yet sleep be merry.
My nightmares thrive on paper; may the reader be wary.
Me peace a sweet garden; where others may tarry.
My life an eerie chord; that others may very.
To hide my nightmares i have tried hard.
To my real life for Them, the path has been barred.
Seeming to Them only as a card
Or to others, a local bard
Who by chance, can dance the galliard.
Awoken by fears, replaced by a rhyme.
Crying out just the same, silent as a mime.
Acting as if melancholy were it’s own crime.
Hope all will reveal itself in its own time.
Staring absurdly at the “a.m.” on my clock.
Quietly going over everything, taking stock.
Hope that others, this poem will not mock
even though i write these lines wearing only one black sock.


...Oldie but a goodie for me. It's the first poem i read to someone who asks about my poetry. Non-offensive and fun and it sounds like poetry when read aloud. Written at 3:02 am in 1997 sometime between high school and college. and as with all the ones i'll post here free form moments.