Duct tape

There is a need inside for me
to control me
i must stay just like this
i must be this image
in this way
i kill myself
slowly
a little each day
i am a prisoner to what i expect me to be
though my hands wring in my bonds
till i bleed
i can't seem to let me free
i hear myself begging
to say things i shouldn't say
and so slowly i replace the duct tape
and muffle my own screams
though a knife a needle never break my skin
i can feel them enter in
manipulate that smile
spread those legs whore
don't you know this is what you're made for?
i abuse myself 
i lay myself open to attack and abuse
because...
right now i'm just me
the me you don't really get to see
the me i don't share
the me that i hide
that scared girl cowering in the corner
the teen learning to fight to survive
all those people i've had to be
laying scared inside me
knowing nothing but the abuse and the fight
and if i am the evil i can control 
live with the things i cannot say
live with the things i cannot fight
live with the me you expect me to be and can't

...Written recently and part of a trend in my writing that is going a bit outside my comfort area lately. I used to allude and hint and now they are just blunt, much more so the way i talk to a close friend and in the vein of some of the poetry i've been afraid to share that was written when i was younger. Maybe now... maybe here... is the place to do this.